I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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