According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
