Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
