i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
