I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
