Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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