I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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