Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Drunk is not a location!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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