his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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