She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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