I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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