You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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