if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
