My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
