it was like his penis was on wheels.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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