All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
