is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
