I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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