You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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