you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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