walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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