I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
