You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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