I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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