I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
