that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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