i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
