he puts the penis in happiness.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
