I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
