I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
