i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
