my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
