I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This house was built for laser tag.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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