just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
