He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
