Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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