Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
