just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
