Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
