Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
