You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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