Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
