my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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