Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
