so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
