My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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