i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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