my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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