in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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