her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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